October was not kind to me lol. Things I ordered didn’t turn up; services I requested failed to materialize; I was supposed to be at GRL but couldn’t go at the last minute because of health issues, and those health issues have been kicking my butt in writing terms. All the wonderful ideas in my head clouded by worry and stress, which is not a nice place for my characters to be.
I am not by nature a negative person; I work hard to stay positive no matter what happens in my day. But when I am sitting alone at my computer, it’s hard to keep the smilie face on sometimes. Those days when I want to write, but when I am faced with a blank screen all I can worry about is my health, finances and if the next book I write will be a total flop. (Incidentally, I don’t think my wonderful editor would let me write a total flop, but you get the gist).
I couldn’t go to GRL because I’ve been having issues – my heart mostly. My doctor advised me the twenty-three hour flight to Kansas City was not in my best interests and I’m currently waiting to see a cardiologist. As a veteran of three heart attacks already, I’m doing my best not to have a fourth.
Unfortunately, I have also been having problems with headaches and blurred vision. My head’s been scanned, there’s nothing visibly wrong, and the doctor thinks it could be stress, but I have to have that checked out after I’ve seen the cardiologist. That, combined with my complex PTSD and anxiety issues – well, it doesn’t make creativity any easier for me.
I want to write – I always want to write, but sometimes it’s not possible. I was so determined to hit my 150K target for NaNo this year especially when I came so heartbreakingly close to it last year; I’m supposed to be starting it today. But I know in my current mental state, a goal that high is just not possible. I will write – I’ve started Trent’s story from Stockton Wolves, but my dream of completing two books this month is not likely to happen unless I want to kill myself…or it might. I don’t know. Hopefully November will be kinder for me than October has been.
What I have decided to do, is release all of my worries to the Universe, and concentrate on doing what I love – writing. I know I posted a couple of weeks back my book writing schedule and what I hope to publish over the coming months; I don’t know if that’s now realistic or not. I’m just going to go with the flow; I’m going to write the stories that sing in my soul and I’m not going to worry about anything else. I’m going to find the joy I felt in my first ten or so books, and I am going to hang onto it tight.
Because without JOY there’s no point in living. Find your joy and hang on tight, and as always thank you so much for your continued support. You bring so much sunshine into my life 🙂